Fuse News: Crazy Ideas for Canadian Pensions

This is April Fool’s Day stuff, but should it be???

Thanks for tuning in to Fuse News, your definitive source for updates on the Canadian pension industry. It’s been a busy week in pensions. Let’s get to our headlines:

Financial Planning for Pensioners is Finally Here

Several leading Canadian pension plans have announced the creation of a joint entity to offer personalized financial planning services for Canadian retirees and near-retirees. The new utility will provide professional, plan-aware guidance to those often excluded from private wealth services.

“It’s a well-known fact that the Canadians who most need financial planning don’t have the investible assets to qualify for personalized advice from their banks,” said the utility’s inaugural CEO. “Pension plans have the data, expertise, and fiduciary duty to support retirement decision-making. Pooling resources to deliver financial planning across administrators is the most cost-effective, impactful way to meet this dire need.”

Powered by a state-of-the-art planning engine, the platform generates personalized plans based on pension data, public benefits, and household financial information. It allows members to simulate real-world retirement scenarios—supporting adult children, choosing between a new knee or a second cruise, or determining the right time to finally sell the family home.

Certified financial planners are on staff to coach members through decisions, referencing individual pension plan rules and benchmarking against choices made by “people like you, but with slightly better real estate timing.”

The utility—rumored to be branded PlanSplain—is expecting significant growth as more plans join. The service is already being hailed as “the most practical pension innovation since automatic enrollment” and expected to positively impact millions of Canadians.

“Start-Up Pensions” Get a Boost: Administration Infrastructure Now Available to Rent

One of Canada’s most sophisticated plan administrators has opened up its pension administration infrastructure to rent. The offering is targeted at emerging or niche retirement plans that lack the scale to build their own operations from scratch.

“The product and regulatory landscape already includes tools like VPLAs to increase pension coverage,” said the plan’s Chief Pension Officer. “What’s been missing is the infrastructure to actually run these things. We’ve made investments in this capability that we’re thrilled to make available to the market to rent!”

Groups of members wishing to form a pension pool—whether by workplace, profession, or shared passion for artisanal cheese—can now access a full-stack admin system to collect contributions, pay benefits, and deliver a digital member portal with a responsive help desk.

Early adopters include a coalition of yoga instructors forming a mindfulness-based retirement plan, and a regional group of retired librarians launching the Defined Bookmark Plan.

The platform’s name? Pension-as-a-Service (PaaS) – because even pensions aren’t safe from tech acronyms.

If successful, the plan is considering opening its investment management arm to clients as well, creating Canada’s first “Pension-in-a-Box” platform complete with onboarding kits, customizable glide paths, and branded full coverage hoodies.

RetireMint – A Challenger Bank Just for Retirees

In an unexpected move today, a group of Canada’s leading pension funds announced the launch of RetireMint, a digital-first challenger bank designed exclusively for retirees and those approaching retirement. With no hidden fees, high-interest savings accounts, and integrated retirement planning tools, RetireMint aims to finally align banking with the needs of older Canadians.

“We’ve spent decades helping people save for retirement. It’s time we helped them live it better too,” said the newly appointed CEO. “RetireMint is about clarity, security, and making the golden years actually feel golden.”

The platform includes features like personalized income drawdown plans, automatic government benefit optimization, and a “retirement match” for low-income savers. It also comes with a loyalty program offering member perks like shopping credits, discounted pickleball memberships, and exclusive access to Silver Linings—a seniors-only dating app “for those still looking for their forever pension partner.”

Inter-provincial Pension Portability Coming Soon, Regulators Promise

Canadian regulators are messaging a bold shift policy: full pension portability across all provinces and plans—including defined benefit plans, public sector schemes, and even “that weird plan your first job had.”

Effective immediately, Canadians can now carry their pension entitlements from one job to another without triggering tax penalties, administrative nightmares, or the soul-crushing realization that their locked-in funds are now just “gone, basically.”

“We realized people could transfer their Pokémon in the 90s but still can’t move a pension in 2025,” said a spokesperson from the newly created Office of Mobility & Modern Miracles. “It was time.”

The move comes with a slick new digital platform, Pension Passport, that lets users track, transfer, and even trade entitlements (pending further regulation and blockchain involvement, obviously).

Smile Metrics Are In: Pension Plans to Start Measuring Member Happiness Alongside Investment Returns

In a move no one saw coming—but everyone lowkey needed—Canada’s pension plans announced today that they will begin formally tracking member happiness as a key performance indicator, right alongside portfolio returns, funding ratios, and basis point costs.

The new metric, dubbed the Gross Emotional Product (GEP), will capture how members feel about their retirement—not just whether they can afford it. The measurement will be informed by annual ‘Joy Surveys,’ tracking ‘SmileStones’ (positive life events), unsolicited wellness selfies, and how often a member says “living the dream” without sarcasm.

“Turns out people don’t retire just to watch their net worth graphs. They want purpose, connection, and maybe a hot tub,” said a Chief Wellbeing Officer recently appointed at one of the plans. “So we figured—why not optimize for that?”

Early pilot results show a strong correlation between pension literacy, social connectedness, and the ownership of a tiny dog. To support the rollout, pension funds will offer optional happiness boosters: community retreats, purpose coaching, and a free subscription to Retirement Glow-Up Quarterly.

Disclaimer: It’s April Fools. But maybe it shouldn’t be! Got other crazy ideas to share? Want to make these ones a reality? Get in touch at hi@fusestrategy.co.